#this was hard I’m sorry

[hamletthedane]

I just found the earliest email I ever sent from my email address, and it’s the funniest goddamn thing I can possibly imagine a fourth grader sending her teacher:

(Context - my fourth grade teacher was on maternity leave, and the class had conferenced at recess regarding the poor state of the classroom goldfish’s tank. We decided to inform our (24yo, new mother) former teacher of the dire situation, and I was selected as the duly appointed representative for this solemn communication.)

[noodles-and-tea]

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3 / PART 4

[pangur-and-grim]

every time I say “starting nooooow I won’t have any major expenses” something HAPPENS! there’s raw sewage backing up from my drains, and apparently the plumbers will need to break the floor and the wall to get to the pipes and fix it.

if the cat stuff hadn’t wiped out my bank account, this would be annoying but manageable. as it is…..I’m going to try to get everything up in the store for Friday.

[planariaareneat]

How The Nocturnal Bottleneck and Nipples Make Us Human

Almost every post here considers what humans do have, really. It’s a little tiring; realistically every world has its harsh environments and vicious species and a sophont to match. We probably wouldn’t be unique for our adaptability or our persistence or even adrenaline

But our evolution is fucked up as hell, to put it lightly.

Mammals went through what’s been dubbed the nocturnal bottleneck essentially since the start of the mesozoic right up until the Cretaceous ended the archosaur’s exclusive hold over the daylight. We lost a lot of things from every mammal spending most of its time in either a cramped, suffocating burrow or scrounging around in the faint hours of nighttime. Our blood cells lost their nuclei to hold more oxygen while we spent time deep underground, we lost protections against ultraviolet rays in our skin and eyes, we can’t even repair our own DNA using the light of the sun. Most aliens probably wouldn’t have such traits unless their evolution followed a very similar path to ours. They’d be able to see ultraviolet and wouldn’t have to worry about sunburn and all the wonderful privileges essentially all fish, birds, amphibians, and reptiles enjoy as we speak. 

There’s also what we gained from spending so much time in the dark.

Brown fat is only found in mammals, it’s a special type of fat which bear cells with several oil droplets and are utterly jammed with mitochondria. This lets it make heat, a lot of it, fast. We don’t even need to shiver to induce this heat generation from brown adipose tissue - factor in our downright hyperactive mitochondria, and we can warm up quickly. Sure, it doesn’t have too much use in adult humans, but it keeps our infants warm and still provides a little boost the whole run we have in this universe.

Unless aliens also went through a time where their small ancestors had to face cold nights, they’d have to produce heat the old fashioned way when chilled. Aliens might have to shiver the whole time they’re in a cold room while the human watches in confusion, quite literally unshaken, and wonders if the room is a lot colder than the thermostat set to 60 says. The aliens stare at their companion in confusion, it’s just a normal temperature to shiver at after all, how is the human sitting so still?

Our small ancestors spending all their time out foraging at night is also why we have such a good sense of touch, smell, and hearing. They were more important senses than vision (we’re lucky to have even redeveloped basic color vision, frankly) at the time and place and simply ended up continuing to serve us well. Birds and reptiles rarely have acute senses of smell and the latter especially are lucky to have acute hearing, and birds rarely have impeccable hearing themselves either. Our skin is free of scales and honed to sensitivity, and our external ears and complicated ear bones provide an immense range of hearing (from 20 all the way to 17,000 hertz!).

Aliens might not be able to pin down the chirp of a cricket or the light click of a lock being picked. The human might be the only one on board a ship that can pick out the finer sounds of the engine’s constant thrum and know the critical difference between when everything is fine and when something is wrong. The human could probably pick out the sounds of an approaching enemy’s careless footsteps - they’re only as light enough for *them* to stop hearing them, after all - and be the one to see the horrified expression (well, more on that later) on their face when we get the drop on them in spite of their perceived stealth. 

But perhaps the most versatile, convoluted, amazing, and utterly unique trait we have is right on your face this instant. Lips.

Lips in most animals are a simple seal to hold in the mouth’s moisture and protect the teeth, even if they’re supple they’re NEVER muscular except in mammals, and we have only one thing to thank for it; milk and nipples. Lips evolved exclusively to allow babies to suckle, it required a vacuum to be created in the mouth, and with no other animal having anything like a nipple it never happened in other animals. Many animals make milk, to be frank, but no other animal has nipples.

Your cheeks and lips are a marvel among tetrapods, no other animal can suck like mammals can. Aliens wouldn’t have straws or even be able to sip from the edge of a glass, they’d have to have a proboscis or simply tilt the whole thing back. Aliens likely won’t have woodwind instruments or balloons you can blow into. We take so much about our lips for granted. Hell, our muscular faces are vital for expressions, we’re probably absolute facial contortionists among a cast of creatures with mandibles and beaks and expressionless scaly maws. Aliens might find us ridiculously easy to read, if anything, compared to their own kind (all the better to deceive them) - or perhaps they’d find us hard to decipher anyways, with our lack of color-changing skin or erectable crests of bright feathers. Baring teeth might not be seen as a sign of aggression in most of the universe, smiling would be all too distinctly human. 

Perhaps with how infectious we are sometimes, that’s what we’d contribute to the universe; others might have to make do with opening their mouths just enough to show their teeth or splaying their innumerable mouthparts with just the right curve, but perhaps we’d teach the galaxy to smile, one ally at a time. 

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

[veryberrybad]

i NEED the sexy poll to be real in universe, it’ll never not be funny to me

[asparklethatisblue]

Strange changes in “feminism” have happened since I was a teenager…

[moresandmanstuff]

[cumcov3redangel]

Sorry for sexualizing myself for attention.. I will do it again

[void-dude]

WAIT I GOT A QUESTION ABOUT TAD so before his dimension was destroyed, could he also see the third dimension or did he only start to see it AFTER the his dimension was destroyed? If it was only after, how did he take it? Now that he knew just what bill was referring to when he was young? THE POTENTIAL ANGST WONT LET ME SLEEP HELP

Also btw, been loving your pibes and shapes au I’ve been eating everything UP

So my idea was that Tad did have a type of eye mutation! But it wasn’t as severe or noticeable as Bills. He always had the desire to be “ normal “ so “ just because I see something dark and shiny in the corner of my eye if I look really far to the side doesn’t mean I can’t have a normal life “ was what he told himself. Once he met baby Bill, he really really wanted him to think the same. He kept telling him “ Billy please pretend you can’t see it “ or “ keep looking at me, that way your eye is visible a little bit, that’s enough to live normally “

Too bad Tad was the reason Bill got the wrong idea of his developing powers! Tad was an exception not an example! People can’t twist that way, Billy. They can’t turn like Tad. Your powers don’t stay the same either Billy, you’re setting things on fire Billy

[hymnoeides]

Hi Ant, can i please request some Odysseus and Melinoe together, you chiikava doodles of them are so cute

Hi anon, I’m so glad to share the joys of Chiikawa‼️

I hope these doodles suffices 🥺

[trashcanfromgallifrey]

Phil: *goes blonde*

Dan:

[new-revenant]

Twenty something year old Danny becomes a preschool teacher to a class of young meta and liminal kids, he helps to keep the kids calm when they discover their abilities and is genuinely one of the better teachers at the school. He's also a part time member of the Justice League. He's in the middle of a meeting when he gets a call from a freaked out substitute teacher saying one of the kids is stuck halfway through the wall and doesn't know what to do. Danny excuses himself and explains that one of his kids is having a small problem and he'll be right back and then leaves not realizing the chaos he left behind in his wake as the Justice League believe that Phantom has multiple kids and is a single father

I love teacher!Danny AUs, they are always so wacky and fun. And this seems so sweet! I love misunderstanding plots where the misunderstanding is something super simple. And plots where characters think someone is talking about their children children, when they’re actually talking about their students or something. Basically I love this prompt <3

So the JL know Danny is Phantom and stuff, probably are also away that’s he’s a ghost. Danny says that one of his kids is stuck in a wall at school and the substitute teacher is freaking out, so he’s gotta go real quick. Once he leaves one of the members(I’m thinking Flash because…I like him)is like, “Soo…wanna bet on how many kids he has? I’m guessing three-no-four.” The meeting quickly devolves into this conversation, until Batman or someone else steers it back.

After the meeting, rumors spread through the JL about Danny’s kids, and many bets are made. It takes them a while for everyone to figure out that Danny is just a teacher and not a father. Some figure it out faster than others though, but they think it would be funnier if they go along with the father Danny idea. Batman definitely knows what’s going on, he should know what Danny’s job is at the very least. He does consider the fact that maybe he might be a father, but that thought is short lived.

[badolmen]

Come watch Galavant we have:

Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss

Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss (Evil)

Toxic Masculinity

Would-Be Allies in the Class War

Sid

Mansplain, Manwhore, Malewife

Jester who Cucks the King and Lives

This Guy

The One True King To Rule Them All

Tad Cooper

[chiliger]

It’s a sibling’s job to kickstart that existential crises young.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

british people im sorry for what we put you through

EDIT:

hispanic ppl im sorry for what we put you through